The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps...
I had the whole pregnancy to plan for my birth. I am naturally a planner, try to control as much as I can and also, wanted to have a great birth… because, why not.
But… birth is hard to plan. You just never know how it will go. The body does what it wants, the baby does what it wants and one just must surrender to that.
That said, I still had my preferences, goals and specific desires for this birth. And before I start the story, I must say that I got all the important things and it was overall the most beautiful experience. But to avoid romanticizing it, it also was hard and painful and I am still processing THAT part.
I feel like my story started before this baby was even conceived, but I’m not gonna go there right now.
Traditionally, my births were straightforward and fast ( except the first one ). While I was aware that this birth might be different, I expected it to go like the previous ones. If the baby didn’t come by the due date, I was planning to pump to start labor a few days after, just like I did with Joshua- #4 and it worked fast and the birth was fast.
The pumping day
Aside from struggling with weeks of angry uterus, my labor story started when part of my birth team met in my house to hang out and be ready for whenever the pump would start contractions and I’d have the baby soon after that. Well, at least that’s what we expected.
But this child had a different plans. I had everything ready. The make up, the hair, the feast, the house, the thank you gifts ( backyard eggs and home made sour dough bread )…
That day ended with some tears and then a surrender. As I accepted that the baby and my body didn’t quite agree with MY plan and timing.
So I went on being pregnant, extremely uncomfortable, emotionally drained and waiting on that sweet baby.
I tried a bit of pumping again a few days later. That evening I started getting some strong contractions, but nothing consistent. I got few of them through the night and the next day, Thursday I woke up all crampy, grumpy and overall filing icky. I’d have intense contractions, but pretty spread apart… 1-3 in an hour, maybe. But my body was showing signs that labor could be near.
Those previous weeks were pretty confusing for me. I found myself being humbled quite a bit. Because with all the experience and extra education I have, I kept constantly answering questions by… ‘I don’t know’. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know when baby will come…
There were number of occasions when I thought ‘maybe tonight’ and then nothing happened.
I was hoping to be a low maintenance client for my midwife, yet I found myself behaving like a first timer, confused and like I knew nothing.
The day of labor
Back to that Thursday. Deep inside, I had a feeling that I was dealing with a malpositioned baby and my intuition was telling me that I needed some rebozo work done. But Nathan worked a long day at work and I didn’t quite reach out to anyone for help. That’s on me… asking for help is hard and I didn’t want to bother anyone.
Evening came though and the contractions finally started to come closer together, intense but a wonky pattern. We put the kids to bed, turned on a movie and I was just sitting, trying to time them. The feeling was so intense. The little head was rubbing so strongly on my insides. At one point I got up to go downstairs to use the bathroom. I couldn’t even walk. I was literally hanging on Nathan. Then I couldn’t get up from the toiled. I felt like my pelvis and cervix were being drilled and sawed apart.
I typed a long text to my midwife, trying to explain what’s going on and I hesitated to send it, not wanting to alarm her if this will turn into nothing again, or my pride came in, I didn’t want to sound like an idiot, not knowing what’s going on… like, c’mon. I’m a freaking birth worker. I’ve birthed babies like a pro…. Once again, I felt humbled. I was a mess… hanging onto Nathan, not able to stand or do anything. He decided to call the midwife. While I was still saying that I don’t know if this is ‘IT’ and I would absolutely hate her to drive up from Anchorage if this turned into nothing, or if it was gonna take forever. The previous weeks made it hard to trust my body. Bethel said she’d be on the way shortly, though. With the next contractions I uttered for Nathan to ‘call the ladies’ – the rest of my birth team.
They got to my house quite quickly.
We got the pool going and I hopped in. I felt immediate relief, which made me doubt my labor and worry that it would now stop. That relief didn’t last long though. Soon enough, I felt my pelvis being shred apart again.
Here is where I should pause and say… I have experienced intense fast labors. Fast labors are crazy intense, the contractions being super intense… I am used to intense. I can do intense… this though, this was a whole different level of intense. It’s like, the intensity of the contraction itself was overpowered by the ridiculous pain of THE HEAD, being so present in there.
I kept commenting about the head. I found myself fearing the next contraction, saying NO, NO, NO…. I can’t, I can’t…. and then I’d doula myself and say… I CAN- but I didn’t really believe that. I thought I was being torn apart. I started feeling a pushy urge with some contractions. Soon the midwives came and I was SO thankful that they made it in time.
I adore Bethel and it was so important for me that she’d be there. Not because I NEEDED a midwife there. I wasn’t afraid to birth my baby, if they didn’t make it in time. But I WANTED her there, because of what she means for me.
'Midwife' - With Women
She sat by the pool and smiled beautifully…
After a full blown push, I said that I think I’m pushing. That was a sign for my team to gather the kids.
I don’t know how many times I pushed. A few maybe and at one point my water broke. The force of it made me kinda jump. But after that, I felt baby was coming full force. I yelled at them to get the kids. Having all the kids there was the most important thing for me. Second most important thing was having pictures taken, lol.
I pushed hard. I felt an intensely burning feeling. I thought I tore up to my belly button.
I looked around, freaked out… the intensity of it all overtook me. I stare at my midwife, while she is calmly sitting by the pool, with her hands nowhere near my body.
You see, I made my whole birth team aware of my desire to catch my own baby. It was important for me to be supported in that. As previously, with fast births and midwives always ready to do that for me, I just never got to.
This time, Bethel just says: “You got this. The head is out.”
And the (not so ) little head was coming out in posterior position… which explains a lot of the labor behavior and the crazy intense pain.
The Birth
Typically, after the head is out, the body comes with the next push. But not this time. I knew the baby was gonna be big and for a split of a second I thought, what if it’s shoulder dystocia? You know, when you know too much… haha.
I saw and felt the baby turn a bit and the next push brought the shoulders out and part of the body out.
I reached out, and pulled the baby out of me and the water.
This was the most powerful moment ever!
My comment: “This was BRUTAL”.
Nathan’s comment: “So, what are the chances the hair will stay dark?”
Everyone chuckled.
Boy or a girl?
After we all calmed down, we looked at what gender the baby was.
Nathan and I both had thought that it was a girl. I had had a first name for a boy and a girl for a long time, but only a girl middle name was given to me. I felt it was a girl…
But when we were going to look, I had to move the umbilical cord to see and for a split of a second, I freaked out… what if it’s a boy?
But sure enough, it was a girl. Such a sweet feeling as I thought to myself and even said it out loud…. It’s been you. This whole time, it’s been you…
Miriam Yadah Buck… born on June 1st at 10:35pm.
“Whenever and however you give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life,” ~ I.M.Gaskin
It was hard.And it was PERFECT!
If you asked me how long the labor was, I could’t tell…. It felt like weeks… but I guess from the time the contractions started getting more frequent around dinner time, maybe something over 4 hours. I felt like I was in early labor the whole day, though.
The pain took some processing, but it was all so worth it.
While planning for the birth, I had to consider an extremely fast birth and the reality, that there might not be time for some things… like filling up the pool, the midwife getting there in time, the friend that was taking my photos getting there… I had prepared everything ahead as much as I could. My other friends learned how to use my camera for pictures and I gave Nathan simple instructions on what to hand me, if I ended up birthing alone.
But it all worked out so well. Everyone made it in time. I got into the pool. The kids witnessed the birth of their long awaited, prayed for and adored baby sister. I got birth photos…
And I GOT TO CATCH MY OWN BABY!!!
I am so thankful for the amazing experience and thankful to the people that supported me.
It was empowering. Memorable. Perfect.
